July

Half the year have gone by in the blink of an eye.

I have not always grown up to know what I want to be. I am one of those girls who have big dreams but don't really have a specific dream in mind. A doctor, a lawyer - those were the ambitions of the norm in my family. But funnily enough, none of my family members are doctors. Nor are we lawyers. Most of us, are engineers.

Five years ago, I was just finishing up A-Levels. While most of my classmates were jetting off to universities chasing their ambition, I stood still, trying still to figure out what mine is. I wanted to be successful, I wanted to be big. But I couldn't find what my passion was. So I took half a year off to hopefully figure out my dream, my ambition.

But nope. No such luck. By the end of it, I was still clueless and I didn't want to waste away time. So I took the safe route. I enrolled in chemical engineering. While that brought upon me the worst 4 years of my life, it was also the best 4 years I have ever lived.

Through those 4 years I have grown to be the person I am comfortable to be. I realise that the world is bigger than my 4 walls. I realise that I can achieve much more when I thought that I already have everything that I will ever need. And I can do anything if I just set my mind to it.

Through those 4 years I have met so many amazing people. People who I never thought I would meet. People who I never thought could be my friends. People who I never thought could love me for me. And through these people I learnt that dreams can come true. And greatness can be achieved. All it takes is determination, hard work and a little bit of luck.

So, I gave it a lot of thought, what it is I want to do with my life. And I think I am getting closer to figuring it out. Getting around to doing it and achieving it is a whole other story. But at least, now, I have a direction. :)

Resurrection

I think it's time to revive this blog...for something more productive.

You don't realise that you've lost yourself

until you look into a mirror and don't recognise the person looking back at you.

until you see a picture of yourself and don't see yourself in it.

until you wake up one day, and realise the reason to it everyday has changed.

until the thing you strive for everyday is not as ambitious as it used to be.

until you've given up so much of yourself that there is nothing else to give.

until you try and try but nothing changes.

until you realise, I am not me anymore.

Choices

It's funny how a very small, simple and sometimes neglected decisions can change your life. Most of the things in life happen because of the decisions we make. Regardless of the outcome, we make choices. Choices based on our judgements, emotions and feelings among other things.

A year ago today, I made a decision, against my feelings and emotions, to go a large-scale event. I was tempted to avoid the massive crowd and overly eager club representatives and to just have coffee somewhere and watch the browning landscape. But against all of that, I made my way to the university Sports Centre that Autumn morning and met someone with whom I began my very own Autumn Story.

It sometimes takes very little, to change a whole lot.

Girly Gluttony

The flowers to tell Perth-ians that Spring has come.

But it's too freaking cold to be Spring.

It's the weekend! And what better way to kick off the weekend than a whole day of gluttony. Morning started off with binging of dim sum with the mates in celebration of a belated birthday, followed by sipping of coffee with the same bunch while chitchatting about designer handbags, weird culture practices and the death of people who their parents have spent millions of dollars and many many years bringing them up. May they rest in peace. And when I said weird, I really meant to say eccentrically unique. Peace. Being the glutton that I am, the hunger pangs started yet again 3 hours later, and accompanied by the constant craving for sushi, my lovely neighbour and I went for some Japanese food down the road from our College. You would think that the sinful box of tori katsu with rice plus an additional serve of sashimi, my appetite would have been satisfied. How wrong are you. We then headed to one of my fave Italian eatery on the way back for some sinful Profiteroles drizzled in chocolate sauce and a serve of tiramisu. I'll be pudging up now.

Said Profiteroles. How does that not tempt you.

Image courtesy of www.williams-sonoma.com.

Today was one of those days that everything went right, dolling-up-wise. Hair was frizz-free and a delight to work with with a straightener and the make-up took less than the usual 10 minutes even with the additional steps of eyelash curlers and mascara. Okay the rest of the post will be extremely girly so be warned.

Now, as much as I love mornings, I love more to spend it lazing in bed. Which often leads to me falling back asleep and waking up to find that I only have 15 minutes to get ready until people starting calling and asking if I'm ready to go. And between the ultra-relaxed state of having two extra hours in bed, regret that I didn't get up earlier to get a head start on my work and the stress of not wanting people to end up waiting for me, I jolted and ended up with:

It was a cold-ish day out - very gloomy, the kind of days you have in the UK when the sky is all emo. I haven't worn that camel brown, velvety jacket since 2 years ago plus it was the first jacket I saw when I opened my jacket trunk but tadaaaa! I'm starting to feel more skilled in the dolling up department cuz I look less dead when I appear in public now.

I've just recently switched skincare routine (again) back to what I used 2 years back because like I said before in my other post, I want my clear skin back! =( So hopefully my judgement was right that it was the skincare routine that helped. Because there is absolutely no change to my lifestyle of sleeping the same morning I get up, eating food that will potentially give a person coronary problems and exercise that comes in the form of walking to the bathroom every 15 minutes. It takes me 3 seconds to reach the toilet bowl from my desk. So I'll see how this goes. Oh and also, I'm going back on Roaccutane cuz I think back-ne is back to haunt me. Hopefully the side-effects won't be too bad this time round since the dosage is 10mg instead of the usual 20.

After brunch I decided that pink was getting boring on my nails. Plus the colour was chipping off so I decided to give myself a mani-pedi. In a lighter shade of pink. I'm unoriginal like that.

Nail Polish by kitCosmetics.

Polish courtesy of my darling neighbour. The stain on the tip of my pinky proves that I am not pro like what a lot of you think. I'm a nooby. But me likes. My toes are the same colour but with tiny sparkly purple polka dots. I had time cuz I procrastinate. I realised that painting my nails with a light colour is not easy. It takes skill and a few coats to get it looking even. Usually takes me just one coat for a dark colour to come out nice.

Anyway, that pretty much sums up my Saturday except that I didn't mention that I have started to rewatch all 10 seasons of Friends (again) for the millionth time. I'm lame like that.

At dim sum today, before we ordered our feast, I complained that I was hungry. And a friend turned to me and said, "Yeah, I know. You have that look on your face." Whaa? Then after dessert earlier this evening while waiting for the bill, a waitress walked passed our table with two plates of hot choc fudge with both whipped and ice-cream. I was just subconsciously eyeing it when A said "No, E!" Me, "Huh? What?". She, "I know you want that cake! You have that look on your face.". The story of my life.

It's been 5 hours since my last binge. I'm hungry.

=(

02. Ramble

Winter has come and gone. Spring is drawing near. Cherry blossoms blossoming and the Sun is beaming brighter.

Friends. I've been looking back over the years at people I have been associating with. I've always thought that I make friends very easily. I still think so just that the mindset has somewhat changed as I grow up, spiritually and emotionally.

I used to be very emotionally driven. I still am but not so much anymore. I used to care very much about what people think of me and I would get upset if anyone thought of anything negative about me. So I always strive to display a personality that is 'perfect'.

Being a very tiny girl, both skinny and short, high school wasn't really a wow-er period of life for me. I was still trying to figure who I was and which clique I would fit into. Only to find out years later that I didn't fit into any. I used to have a best friend that I hung out with everyday, speak on the phone with every night, text message all day and basically do almost everything together.

We were from completely different worlds. She was from a rich family, lived in a humongous house and went for holidays overseas every holiday. But me. I come from an average middle class family, living in a double-storey terrace house and holiday-ing overseas was a luxury that only came once in a long while. Still, I was a happy kid.

Until the final few months of high school when friendships were to be forever welded and beautiful memories were to be made, my best friend and I never utter a word to each other anymore. I didn't know what went wrong where. And I still don't. But that was when I learnt that when someone you regard as your best friend refuses to speak to you, and to work out a problem with you like a true friend even when you tried, that person is not worthy of the label 'friend'. And then I realised a mistake I have been making all my life until then, that is to have one best friend, and to regard her as my only true friend.

Although I made some life-long friends, I couldn't wait to leave that place. It will always be a place that will haunt me with the falling out with my 'best friend' and the misconception of me dating a school athlete just to gain popularity. Being young and naive, I have befriended all sorts of people even when they are bad news and I trusted them and considered them my friend by putting them in my heart. So, I was glad to leave high school.

A-Levels and University years were the best parts of my life. I've learnt loads, grew up and became a better person. Being alone no longer intimidate me as much as it used to. I am perfectly okay with doing things by myself. I find that I long to have these alone time very often, not because I am anti-social but because when I am by myself, I can be myself without being judged.

I no longer care what others think about me. The only opinions that matter to me now, are those of my friends and my loved ones. Judgements of others, be it good or bad, will be filed in the spam folder of my brain index and flushed out with other crap in my system, through my bowel. Although I know electric signals of the brain and my digestive tract are not connected that way.

That being said, after years of making friends the way I do now, I'm the happiest I have been. I've gotten rid of people who brings me down and matters none to me and kept those who constantly support me and accept me for who I am, and are generally genuine. Those are the people who will go far with you in life. How far does popularity bring you? It WILL die away. How long can beauty last? It is only skin deep. And it is only a matter of time that people penetrate the outer layers and see you for who you really are. And of course, at the end of the day, deep down in each and everyone of us, we know who we really are and what we truly deserve. And when karma kicks in, you want to be at the receiving end of the good.

Vanity & ADD

I want my flawless skin back! Okay not flawless but there was a period of time a couple of years back when I had the most amazing skin. best ever in my whole 22 years, 10 months, 2 weeks and 4 days of my life.

Early 2009. See. Wearing only eyeliner and lipbalm.

Now I have spots and bumps here and there. Le sigh. Education really totally ruined my skin.

On a very different note, I have lately realised that I have a very short attention span. Actually, I've realised this a long time ago just that I never really paid much attention to how short they were. Until recently, I got scolded by my own boyfriend for not listening to him when he's talking to me wtf. Okay he didn't scold me but he was pretty annoyed. He said that every time we are having a conversation be it at dinner time or when we're having wine at the quad or dancing at the club or just lying down by the bay, every time he talks to me, I would be looking at him while he talks, and 5 seconds later (while he is still talking) my eyes wander somewhere else.

In my defence, I WAS LISTENING!

I get distracted so easily that it prompted my thesis supervisor to ask me if I'm listening during many of my meetings. I am pretty sure that that will go into my thesis evaluation. FML. But eventhough I look like I am spacing out, I am actually hearing what people are saying. Most of the time I am actually listening, but other times, I'm just hearing muffled voices going on and on about stuff. But to things and people that matter, I LISTEN!!

Even when I'm talking to people or telling a story, in the midst of I will definitely go off track of what I actually wanted to say. I can, for example, talk about my braiding my hair. And all of a sudden while still talking about braiding my hair, I will blurt out something totally random like milk and butter toast. Yes it's very random and totally unrelated but it's habitual and I can't help it!

It's starting to annoy myself cuz now I can't do my work long enough to finish typing a paragraph before clicking on the "New Tab" button and go to YouTube where I will indulge in one video after another.

And you know it's bad when your own habits starts to annoy yourself -__- Help?

On a more embarrassing note, I don't know if this is related to my case of ADD, I was going to make myself some instant milk tea, you know the 3-in-1 kinds that you get in packets where you just pour hot water and voila, lim teh! Yeah, so I emptied two packets into a mug, because two is better than one, and went on to Facebook while I wait for the water to boil. And well, the water boiled and twenty minutes later, I took my mug and drank out of it. You know what happened? Instant milk tea powder, all over my face. Needless to say, I had to open a third and fourth packet and boil the water again. I'll let you guess if it happened for the second time.

Ramble

I almost forgot how nice it feels being outdoors. I spend so much time cooped up in the comfort of my room forgetting a world of fresh air, green lawns and chirping birds. Damn I sound like a greeny there. But really. It's so peaceful to be outdoors.

I came here this morning. Here being the outside of Reid Cafe. Can a person feel peaceful and stressed at the same time?

I realised that I'm a person with very narrow views in life. Literally. I sat down with my coffee and muffin and switched on my laptop to find that I only had an hour left on my battery. So with no nearby plugs in sight, I moved to another location nearby where there are electricity outlets. Yay. Plus, empty area = peace and quiet.

Turns out the place is empty for a reason. There's bird poo everywhere. On the tables, the chairs, the floors, you name it, poo's all over it. So, I moved elsewhere nearer to my original spot only to find that there was an outlet right above where I was sitting initially. So I uprooted again, bag and laptop clad to my original seat and happily took out my adapter and cable. Only to find the the outlet is so high above that the cable to the adapter wasn't long enough. FML.

Honestly. It takes me forever to settle down and to start doing my work all the time. Which reminds me why I hardly leave my room to do my work elsewhere. So just to save time, I prefer staying in.

Is this the most random thing or what?

Little joys =)

The perfect month to be playing/humming/get the song stuck in your head/putting it on repeat - Wake Me Up When September Ends. Okay that sentence did not flow at all there. And at the end of the 6th teaching week at uni, with courseworks, assignments, projects and thesis piling up to my nose, this is the perfect time to go berserk.

Instead, here are a few things that made me smile...

#1 Beef Jerky. Me loves. Sinful dried meat with a thick coat of oil that I only allow myself to excessively enjoy during CNY. There's just something about me and beef. But I don't like all beef. I love steak. I love the slices of beef in bibimbaps. I do not love stir-fried beed. I love beef lasagne. It's 3am. Coherency shall not be expected.

#2 The wonders of a hairstraightener. I can't believe I used to spend so much time taming my hair but nowadays it takes me 5minutes max to do my hair in the mornings.

#3 Two things I love on a Sunday. Freshly painted nails after brunch and a BlackBerry to keep me on track with the online world while lazing in bed in the morning. Email, facebook, MSN, bbm and WhatsApp. What more do I need?

#4 A good bedside book to read before going to bed in hopes that I will land in Europe in one of my dreams. This shows how much in love I am with Prague. I bought this one day when I was browsing at the Uni bookstore while waiting for a girly friend. Sat under the Winter sun and flipped page after page and falling in love with it.

#5 PACKAGES!! 'Nuff said.

With all these, I need 892 faces to finish all the products by the end of the semester. But thanks anyway, S. Love you loads =)

#6 Cherry Blossoms that greets me good morning in Spring.

Nature's way of saying there's beauty in every day.

Just gotta keep your chin up and look ahead.

#7 Next to effortless make up for a fabulous Friday night out.

#8 Love and joy you find in a bag of chips =D

Pardon the weird hair and messy bed.

#9 Spending "24-7" with my beloved while he is thousands of miles away. 48 hours of Skype! Continuously. It went on till 54 hours but I had to end the call eventually to bring my laptop to the lab.

Good night and good morning. <3

Such is life

What does it mean when one no longer have the drive to go for classes anymore. Nowadays I am contented with staying in my room, handing in assignments as the deadlines approach, the occasional chattering with neighbours and friends, and just having YouTube as my company from day to day. I'm not depressed and please don't feel sorry for me because comparatively, I'm living the life. Because honestly, I am contented. I am happy. I don't feel like I need anything else.

As life has it now, I have a family who supports me regardless, a boyfriend who, regardless the distance, the fights and the emotional turmoil I put him through, loves me dearly still, I always have friends to talk to when I want or need one to talk to.

It's almost the end of my undergraduate degree. Within 4 years I have done so much more than I would have ever imagined. I've seen places I never thought I would until the later years of my life. I've fallen in love in the most unexpected place with the most unsuspecting person. I've eaten cuisines some people would never have the chance to. I've met people during my travels that completely changed my thoughts about Europe, only to make me love it more. I didn't want to leave the UK. But I had to. And then I realised, for my entire life, I have been spending it doing things I had to do.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just settling. Sometimes I feel that it's pathetic. Like to be happy with life as it is is not good enough for a person with capabilities like me. Again, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I am super capable but I am very certain that if I want to, I can make a very good living out of life itself. If I want to.

Other times, I feel, what's wrong with settling. What's the point of sowing and reaping and bending backwards all your life to have the ultimate life when you can just settle for an average life and enjoy it as you go along.

I don't even know if I'm making sense. But the gist of it is, I am not torn between, just settling for a an average comfortable life, or work damn freaking hard for a rich life.

It's nice to have pretty things and to be able to afford anything and everything you want. To be honest, I want to be able to give my kids what they want (without spoiling them of course), what they deserve and occasionally, more than what they deserve. I've never really had a luxurious lifestyle. I've never been overly pampered, I've never been showered with gifts. I silently envy friends who get presents for doing well at school or just for being a good kid. The last time I received a real present from my parents was during Christmas, when I was 8 or 9. Yes, more than 10 years ago.

Again, don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the childhood upbringing I had cuz it made me who I am today. But What makes me wonder is, where has all my fire gone? I used to want to achieve greatness so much. In high school I volunteer for work to be piled on to me for I wanted to excel and be recognised which is why most of my teachers, even from primary school still remember me after all these years.

So why do I choose now to want to give up, and just settle and to depend on someone to take care of me even when I know deep down, that at the end of the day, the only person I can depend on, is myself.

Conclusion - there's no fight left in me.